
don’t watch me be insane here follow my art blog @octofee instead (I softblock most new followers.)
I have an about page
I private posts a lot so if you really like something I said you might want to like, screenshot it or reblog it or something
don’t take anything I say too seriously
in case you ever start feeling bad for me or thinking I’m cool: I’m the type of guy to go “these npcs are so fucking annoying I hate everyone” (5 min later) “why don’t I have any friends I’m gonna be alone forever”
and I am afraid nothing is ever going to feel familiar again , and none of it will ever slide into place , and I am going to be off kilter for the rest of my life
everything is overwhelming and confusing and I feel like I sleep in a stranger’s room every night
severe closeness deficiency
today:
woke up fairly early, surveyed the damage I did to my hair yesterday. it’s pretty bad. washed dishes. ate rice , then lucky charms. mindless video games (animal crossing, luigi’s mansion). relistened to 8月32日へ and tried to draw. I need to take out the recycling. I might rewatch a movie and sculpt until dinner time
why would I want to do that
it is extremely easy for me, in any given situation, to believe I have been in that situation forever. not as in emotional impermanence, but as in, if I am alone in my room (and this is when it happens most often, anyways), it seems very sensible to conclude that I have never not been alone in my room, that I have been and will be in my room for eternities, and anything I consider to be a memory of anything else is false, or a dream, or something I imagined. not that I automatically believe this, but that it is very very easy to. I’ve told this story before, but the summer I turned 17 I went to an amusement park and rode a rollercoaster for the first time (and the second and third and so on, but I’m talking about the first now). there was a section of the ride covered by a tunnel, and going through this section, unable to see or hear anything but screaming from all directions, I thought that this must be exactly what hell is like, souls screaming and writhing in the dark, and then I thought that this was, of course, hell, and that I had always been there, and that I would never leave, and then the ride ended in a matter of seconds and the friend I was there with said they were worried I had fainted because I had suddenly gone completely silent in the tunnel
pages from my most recent zine “Mundo”
I’m not good -> I want to be good -> I should get good at something -> have to do it to get good -> can’t do it cause I’m not good -> not good cause I can’t do it
why can’t I make myself do anything lol I know in order to be good at anything I just have to do it but I can’t make myself do it if I’m not already good at it I don’t even like admitting this because I feel like it’s a fundamental deficiency of my person like it seems immoral and abhorrent